WHEN DISCIPLINING YOUR
CHILD,
ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO MAKE CHOICES
Children are experiential learners. They learn through repeated experimentation, trying different behaviors and approaches, and seeing what happens. This natural learning process is sometimes frustrating for parents when bizarre and illogical behaviors seem to come from out of the blue. Nevertheless, allowing your child to continue using this natural learning process as a discipline technique is extremely effective.
Children’s main motivation in experimenting with new behaviors is simply to gain more power and control over their environment. Healthy children learn from these experiences, and will eventually cease behaviors which have been repeatedly unsuccessful. A good example is tantrumming. Infants learn to cry and yell as a way to gain control over their environment. There parents respond by holding them and feeding them. Eventually, as children develop verbal skills, they discover that they have more control using their words when they are hungry, and discontinue yelling and screaming when they are hungry. This will happen, assuming that the parents reward the use of verbal skills by offering food and discourage the screaming and yelling b y ignoring. It should be noted that this process takes time (years), and also is based on trial and error. Therefore, it is essential that the child b e allowed the freedom to make mistakes in order to encourage the learning process.
Parents often make the mistake of forcing their children to perform desired behaviors rather than allowing them to make choices (even if the are making the wrong choices). It is not the parent’s role to choose their child’s behavior. It is the parental role to choose what the consequences of that behavior might be. Therefore, if Johnny refuses to clean his room, rather than hovering over him in an attempt to “make” him clean his room, he should be offered a choice with the consequences clearly stated.
“Johnny,
you know I asked you to clean up your room.
If you clean your room your will be able to play a board game today with
me and your sister, but if you do not, then you will not be allowed to play
because I won’t be able to trust you to put your things away. You know what the consequences are… so you
choose.”
At this point the parent should refrain from influencing their child’s choice, but allow them a limited amount of time to decide and act. Then the parent should follow through with the stated consequence.
When choosing consequences for children, it is most effective to choose those that are closely related as possible to the behavior. The natural consequence of a dirty room is that there is no room to play, therefore the consequence of a dirty room is that there is no room to play, therefore the consequence of not planning a game makes sense because it illustrates for the child what the natural consequences of his actions are. This approach is only effective if the child believes that the parent will follow through. It is extremely important to follow through EVERY time. Never threaten a child with a consequence that you are unable (or unwilling) to follow through with. Often, parents are lured into threatening horrific consequences with the hope that their child will do anything to avoid such a punishment. This might even work once or twice, but if you threaten you child with reform school, then you better have one picked out (because your child will test you). The moral here is that the consequence should be as simple and easy as possible for you to carry out.
It is not an easy thing to come up with an appropriate consequence on the spot (like in the middle of a restaurant). As parents, we are often angry, embarrassed and at our wits ends. Here I recommend using what I call the “mystery consequence.”
“If you
continue with this behavior, then I will make a consequence for you. I haven’t decided what it is yet, but if you
continue you know it will happen.”
This gives parents time to think (before threatening reform school). It also gives children the structure they need to make a decision regarding their behavior. If the child continues with the undesired behavior, then the sooner you can devise a consequence and explain it to your child, the better.
It is best to think about it away from your child. Call a friend or relative for advice, or talk with your partner. It is far better to take extra time to come up with a realistic consequence rather than blurt out an unrealistic one.
Encouraging your child to make choices can help prevent power struggles because it gives all of the decision making power to the child. Once they choose, then they are bound to the consequences that the parent has laid out. Using this approach also encourages your children to continue experimenting and learning from their behavior.
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"When Disciplining your Child, Allow Your Child To Make Choices" in January 15, 2001 issue of Tucson Parent Magazine, volume 3, issue 6.